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No Place Like The Home/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW For those of you who went to private school, this is called an exhaust manifold. This is called a wrench. And what I'm doing here is called work. See, I'm trying to increase the horsepower of this engine and the best way to do that is to allow the exhaust to flow more easily out of the engine. Regardless of what your grandfather said, exhaust flowing more easily is no joke. See, the problem is the exhaust from each cylinder gets funneled into this bottleneck, which restricts the flow. You older guys know what I'm talking about. Now, a lot of guys go with bigger pipes, maybe even use one for each cylinder. These are called headers. Not like the header you took down the basement stairs... Nobody laughs at these ones. But I'm thinking, if size matters... Why stop at pipes? Why not go up to something that's way bigger and used to handling hot gases? No, not your grandfather. That's right, furnace ducts. Is it just me or is this not one of the sharper vehicles you're likely to see in your lifetime. That's what happens when you get all your ducts in a row. And talk about performance, I figure I've raised the horsepower by around 35,000 btus. Please allow me to demonstrate... The heat is on. [ inaudible/ engine roaring ] [ cheers and applause ] all right. Thank you very much. Thank you. No, no, I appreciate that. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. Somebody's trying to put old man sedgwick into a home. Not their home, nobody wants him in their home. I'm against locking up old guys in homes, you know. I used to be all for it but that was back in the day when it was me against them. Now I am them. Oh, uncle red. Uncle red. [ cheers and applause ] I got this book for old man sedgwick and I was hoping maybe you could drop it at shady acres for him. It's called, "how to tell you're having a medical emergency." well, I'll just file this over in that area. Now, see, harold, first of all, old man sedgwick only likes books from world war I. They've got to have big pictures and a 36-point font. And secondly, more importantly, he's not going to shady acres, harold. If he belongs anywhere it would be belly acres. But he's not going to a home. Oh, yes, he is. No. Yeah, I was talking to his his son and he said he was going. And he said it like, "oh, he's going!" so... Well, that's not right. How old is he anyway? He's well into his 90s. Well, so what? Lots of people in their 90s are living on their own. Oh no, no, I was talking about the son. No, no, old man sedgwick, I don't know, he's -- he's -- he's older than any recorded history, I don't know. I don't know how you could even consider putting old man sedgwick into a home. Well, it's better than leaving him up there in that shack with 4,000 magazines and a space heater. You know he talks to his lamp? Yeah, well that's because they're both on a dimmer. Well, thank goodness his son doesn't feel that way because he's putting him into a home. I didn't even know his son could do that. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah! Any relative can with just cause. You know, there are days when I think you should go into a home. Well, there are days when I'd gladly go. Well, seriously, though, uncle red, if you ever went into a home I would visit you every day. Well, thank you, harold, but that would kind of defeat the purpose. [ laughter and applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's winner receives this coupon for 300 board feet of lumber from the mercury creek lumber yard. Every piece of lumber is a maximum length of two inches because at mercury creek lumber, we saw it first. Okay, edgar, cover your ears. Oh, never mind. Okay, mr. Green, you've got 30 seconds to get local explosives enthusiast, edgar montrose, to say this word... Okay, mike. And go! Okay edgar, you're going to give advice to a young person choosing their career. You'd say, find your... First-aid kit. No, okay, okay, no. You don't just enjoy blowing things up, you have a something for it. A permit? Oh really? Since when? Uhh... Tomorrow. No, I know. This is an exotic fruit. Red, I think the politically correct term is "alternate lifestyle." no, okay, okay. No, no, no. Okay, if there are two people that have a very strong physical attraction, they have a lot of... Laundry. You're almost out of time, mr. Green. Okay, okay, okay. Edgar, two people having a hot love affair, this is something they share... D-n-a. No, edgar. What do you need to make you happy? A vacant building, 25 pounds of dynamite and a noise-abatement officer with a little... Compassion. Yes sir! Red: How come you're not fishing, harold? I ran the numbers of the of the local fish population feeding patterns into my laptop. The resultant probability model made it quite clear that fishing in this lake is not an effective use of my time. So what? Spending an afternoon with you is not an effective use of my time, either. Dalton: What's that you're reading there, harold? Is that a book? Why, yes, it is. Yes, it's a book. Since there's no fish in the lake, I thought I'd expand my mind. Why? You're already a fat head. [ red and dalton chuckle ] harold: You know laughing at that doesn't make it funny. Just like forcing your opinion on somebody doesn't make it smart. Harold, have you been watching pbs again? You guys are living in the past. It's like you're living in the '50s. Dalton: I like the '50s. Harold: As a time era it's fine, but as a way of life it's holding you back. Dalton: I like being held back. Well, you're the past, I'm the future. No wonder I find it so hard to get up in the morning. You don't get it do you? This book predicts that science will create a computer that thinks faster and clearer than man. No, get out of here. Come on. Yes, yes it is! We're on the cutting edge of a brave new world. Dalton: If computers are so smart, why hasn't science discovered the cure for the common cold? Red: That's a good question. No, that doesn't even make sense. That's like saying well because a balloon holds air, how come we can't turn right on a red light in quebec? Okay, all right. I don't know what I was thinking. Obviously, artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 'cause there is no way a computer is ever going to be able to tell guys like us what to do! Red: That's right. That's our wives' job. I've never been in a war, which is probably why we've always won, but I sure like the military equipment. Like these cannons on wheels that you roll up to the target and then aim and then blow something to smithereens. Kind of like mass destruction to go. So today on handyman corner, we're going to build a fun home version of that powerful weapon. I'm going to use this piece of drain pipe as my gun barrel and instead of mortar shells we'll be firing off muffins. If you're like me, you probably have a wife that doesn't want you to die and you know how annoying that can be. She's always watching your weight and pushing you to exercise and eat multi-grain muffins instead of cream-filled doughnuts and high-fibre muffins aren't that easy to hide. Oh sure, you could feed them to the dog but as soon as your wife sees the backyard, she'll know what you've been up to. The safest method, as always is to just blow them to kingdom come. This car is going to be the mount for my muffin gun. I've just got to take her down to flinty's and get the front fenders cut off. I needed a sight for my gun so I just used the hood ornament. Some ornaments make better sights than others, lincoln and mercedes are good or you could use one of those pontiac aztecs, the whole car's a sight. Now, obviously, to fire the gun I'm going to use the master cylinder from the car's power brake system. See, ordinarily when you stomp on the brake pedal, this small piston shoots forward with a lot of juice and slams on the brakes. So I'm just going to biggie-size the piston with a hockey puck. You can buy these at one of those specialty shops like pucks 'r' us or the puckatorium or puck depot, puckers or just pucks or pucks 'n' such. They got a lot cheaper during the strike. Now, when I fire off a muffin, it won't just be a shot, it'll be a slapshot. Okay, got my gun mounted on the wheel so I can adjust the up and down angle by just edging the car forward or back and I can adjust the side to side angle by just turning the steering wheel. Now all I need is my automatic muffin motor and I'm good to go. Where would we be without eavestroughs? Vermont. Okay, the trick to the muffin feeder is to mount the hockey stick/ pushrod/ammo magazine -- hey, wait a minute, that's two minutes for slashing -- onto the outside wall of the other front tire that's 90 degrees but t from where the gun is mounted. That way when one goes down the other comes up like stocks and bonds or pants and skirts. And it's just that easy. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. This isn't a healthy diet, this is war. [ cheers and applause ] it would've ended up there anyway. I want to talk to you older guys who arrived at that point in life where your income should more than cover your expenses. [ laughing ] not even close, is it? Now you have a choice to make. Either you work up the courage to demand the raise you deserve or, and this is more likely, you win the lottery. But no matter what you do, you will always want more money. Money is like food. You can never have enough. Actually, it is possible to have enough food so money is more like beer... Or cars... When I had that 20-year-old studebaker, I wanted a 15-year-old rambler. When I got the rambler I wanted a van. When I got the van I wanted an import or at least a van that didn't catch fire. So my advice is instead of focussing on your need for more money, enjoy what you have and spend it with confidence on things you want like, for example, my book, which is available at fine bookstores everywhere. Remember, I pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ cheers and applause ] seeing tonight's dinner steaming in the centre of your dining room table is a kodak moment. Seeing last week's dinner steaming in the centre of your back yard is a rothschild's moment. Looks like old man sedgwick won't be going into shady acres after all. I don't want to go into the details but let's just say that somebody went down, met with the head nurse and straightened the whole thing out. You know, it's always best when you just have a quiet word with people. Uncle red? Yep? Can I have a quiet word with you? Nope. Well it seems somebody went down to shady acres rest home and said that old man sedgwick was an unfit resident. Why did you do that? Well, he needed somebody to stick up for him. Well, what we got was somebody to stick it to him. Uncle red, he wants to go to shady acres. Wants to? Where'd you hear that one? From him. I talked to him. Did you? Well, no. When you try to talk to him, you can't get a word in edgewise. He goes on and on and on about everything that's bothering him which I don't want to hear and then he gets into this whole other thing about some car he had 40 years ago and that's what old people are like. You know that and this is why he shouldn't be in a home and why would he want to be in a home anyway? Because he's smart! What? He's got friends there. He'll have a life there. And if there is a problem he'll have people to take care of him. No, harold, there's got to be another way. Well, you could take care of him. You know, if he's that keen on going, you know... I don't think I should interfere. Well, he can't go now because you did interfere. You told them that he was a sleepwalker, a pyromaniac and a potential murderer? I may have oversold it. Uncle red, you have to go down to shady acres right now and make this right. Okay, I'll do it. I'll do it. Oh yeah, how? I'll just tell them I made a stupid mistake, okay? Okay, well, I'll go with you 'cause if you're going to show them you're an idiot, I got proof. [ applause ] winston and bill are going to have a little day on the beach. They took some backpacks and are just going to enjoy the day. Bill decided that this was a good spot so he dropped -- he took out some suntan lotion. It was a high uv that day and whoa... You know you want to keep your knife in another bag I think, bill. And winston took his frisbee -- oh, that's unfortunate. And bill doesn't have the sense of humour he used to have. He just fires it and away she goes. It picked an updraft or whatever and goes all the way across the lake. And bill finds that very funny but winston's out of frisbees says maybe bill should go across but bill says why should I bother, I don't care about a frisbee. So winston's thinking you need something to care about so how about your backpack? There we go. So now he wants winston to go across and winston says you go and winston says why don't we both go across. Okay, so bill takes off -- he's either dancing or removing his shoes and he got his shoes and socks off but the water was just a little cooler than what bill expected. Nope, got to rethink that. So then winston's got an idea. He's got something in his bag. That's a teddy bear, winston. Oh yeah, this is one of those self-inflating rafts so you've got to be careful with those. You've got to stop it. When it gets full, bill, you've got to stop it. Bill! Bill! Okay, now, here's a little safety message for any of you kids with an axe... About an hour later, winston realized that bill was actually making stilts. So he got winston up there and this looks like trouble to me. Neither of these guys is too familiar with the concept of gravity. So then they decide maybe a picnic table will give them a little more leverage. Winston needs bill to push him off and then bill loses his balance and ends up jumping right on winston. So now, you've got a passenger and they're heading towards the water. Winston comes right up to it and decides he's going to take a big step to go in. He raises then hits bill right in the face and it was unfortunate the way this happened and then he was out of balance and then winston falls right -- oh... Boy, he thought it was a pole vaulting exhibition. But just when they're about to give up, along comes the park ranger and wouldn't you know it, he's got everything in there. There's the backpack. There's your frisbee. There you go, oh! And there's your backpack. Everybody's happy. If a man's home is his castle then his back yard is his trophy room. It's really a shrine to a lifetime of tinkering. Unfortunately, your wife may not see it that way or any other way. In fact, she doesn't want to see it at all. As I always say, out of sight, out of mind which doesn't mean that if you need glasses you're half crazy. What it does mean that what your wife doesn't know won't hurt you. So I mounted my tarp onto the rim of my basketball hoop. Got the whole thing mounted over the barbeque. Now, all I have to do is fire up the grill and we have ourselves our own disappearing trophy pile. Now you just tie off your tether line and voila, no crap for your wife to look at in the back yard. [ applause ] I had everything under control, harold. I don't think your comments were appreciated. Oh, they were appreciated. They were essential. Okay, so we go down to shady acres there and I tell them there's been a misunderstanding about old man sedgwick, that his deficiencies were a little exaggerated, you know. Heck, I even put in a good word for him. You said he was the greatest man that ever lived. Not ten seconds after admitting that you had lied about him being a murderous pyromaniac. Don't you find that incredible? Harold, you and I are related, I find that incredible. I'm not the bad guy here. I'm not the one who's banned from shady acres for life. Well, I'm glad I'm banned. That means you'll never be able to stick me in there. Well, you handled it poorly. That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. Is old man sedgwick in shady acres now? Yes, but only because I brought in a complete application form, his medical records and convincing letters from both him and his son. And what did I bring to the meeting, harold? Guilty admissions, some pathetic pleading and a few veiled threats. Really, that's... No, no, no. I brought you, harold. You were my ace in the hole. Well, thank you. You're very welcome. That's the first time you've ever called me an ace in the hole. I've called you something similar. [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Yeah, you go ahead, ace. I'll be down in the hole in a minute. Okay. Okay, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting and I learned today that shady acres has refused me as a resident so it looks like you're going to have to take care of me and I was hoping you could start practising tonight. Don't forget, I'm only as old as you feel. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and ace and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] come on in. Guys! Sit down. C'mon, everybody sit down. Guys, sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Sit down. All right, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man but I can change if I have to I guess. All right men, as you know old madgwick is now living at the shady acres rest home and he wanted me to tell you that he appreciates you guys coming over and visiting. But he's starting to notice it's always at mealtime and the cleaning staff sent back the gift basket of prunes because they said his bed is just too far from the restroom. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com